I had just gotten home from my first date with my first couple, Heather and Mark. I was a little tipsy because we had been drinking slowly but steadily throughout the date. Each of us just needed a little help to take the edge off.
What I had thought was going to be a quick meet and greet ended up being a four hour long conversation about our jobs, our home lives, our aspirations, and our best stories. Pleasantly buzzed and giddy with excitement about what had objectively been a great date all around, I laid down in my bed and opened up my phone to text them good night. I had met Mark first on a dating app so I only had his number. I smiled when I saw that he had already texted me.
“We had a great time tonight and would love to see you again! Heather is pretty busy with her new job right now though. Would you want to hook up, just you and me? We also play separately.”
I read the message over again, crestfallen, to make sure I had understood. Everything had gone right; how did we end up here? I don’t think he thought twice about the difference this might make to me, given that I had already expressed I was attracted to him. Hooking up with a man who was already in a relationship, in his eyes, would be just as agreeable as developing a sexual relationship with a couple.
At this point in my search for a couple who was interested in a triad, or even threesome, I had repeatedly engaged in conversation with the male who spoke on behalf of his female partner as well. Each time, I was eventually propositioned for sex alone with him and ghosted when I turned him down. After all, I had had male partners in the past and I was no longer actively looking for that kind of relationship.
My recommendations to avoid this scenario:
- Talk to the female (if there is one). She is more likely to take the time to get to know you. Before you go out on a first date, you ideally should know that you have the potential to be compatible. She probably is not interested in a one on one with you without her partner present. Additionally, she is more likely to be picky about the female unicorn that they choose. Most of the women I spoke to in my search had never had a sexual experience with a woman and had very particular desires about what they wanted in a female partner. They had to be attracted to me, first and foremost, and had to feel comfortable in my presence during sex. That typically meant that they wanted an experienced unicorn to show them the ropes (a quality I did not yet have). By going through the more narrow filter first (the woman), I was able to have more successful dates since I already knew the woman was interested in me.
- On a similar note, set your Tinder/Bumble profile to show you every gender. Most couples post on the woman’s account and will most prominently display her photos. On several occasions, the photos excluded the male partner completely. Only the bio revealed that she was interested in a threesome.
- Pick a couple similar in age to yourself. Choosing a couple significantly older or younger than yourself puts you more at risk for being the subject of a fetish. If that’s what you are into, then go for it!