Have you ever noticed how the waiter at restaurants always seems to choose one person at your table to give the check to? In my heterosexual relationships, the waiter has always given the check to my male partner. I never thought to ask myself why that was until I had my first relationship with a woman, followed months later by my current polyamorous relationship with a man and a woman.
Society typically assigns the dominant role to the masculine partner. As woman, I find I have to be more original than in early Hollywood films to be subtly dominant. Here are five ways I have learned to do this.
- On date night, state where you want to eat. Better yet, initiate the conversation of going out tonight. If your partner asks where you would like to go, tell them! Don’t worry about what you think they want you to say. Sure, they might not like your suggestion, but at least you weren’t wishy-washy about your decision.
- Ask your partner to do something for you. This could be anything, although try not to simply dump a task on them that you don’t want to do yourself. A few ideas: Ask them to rub your feet, start your bath water or make you a cup of tea. This displays confidence that you know they care for you and you are deserving of their time and attention.
- Make rules and boundaries. These should be established in every relationship, regardless of if you want to dominate your partner. However, if you make rules that you will not compromise on, you are asserting yourself and demanding respect. For example, tell your partner that you don’t want to cuddle if it is too hot in your bedroom.
- Guide your partner where you would like them to go. If you are walking through a new city, be the navigator. If they are in your way, gently move them. If you would like them to hold you a certain way, place their hands where you want them.
- Be the one to initiate sexual contact. If you make it clear what you want (and practice good consent!), your partner will now be in the position to follow your lead.
Dominance in a relationship should be sexy and should always be desired by all parties involved. If it isn’t, take a step back and find out why so you can proceed sensitively and respectfully.